Click of the Month

The 5 Stages of Intimate Relationships

Can My Relationship Succeed?

 

By Don Adams, Ph.D.

 

Michelle Weiner-Davis (of Divorce Busters acclaim) names the stages of an intimate love relationship:

  1. PASSION PREVAILS- “I could’ve danced all night!”
  2. I THINK I MADE A MISTAKE- “You’re not who I thought!”
  3. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE- “If it’s like this, I can’t be here!”
  4. THAT’S JUST THE WAY YOU ARE- “I love you, cute freckles and all!”
  5. LOOK AT WHAT WE HAVE BUILT TOGETHER- “We have done all of this!”

 

Stage 1 is filled with romantic illusion.  My 3 Hopes emerge (leading to my desire to commit to you):

  1. With you, I can keep all the good things I have.
  2. With you, none of the bad things of the past will happen again.
  3. With you, I will get all the things I have wanted but never gotten before.

 

Stage 2 has moments of painful disappointments quickly swept under the rug. The 3 Fears emerge:

  1. With you, I am losing all the good things I had (e.g., friends, confidence, self-esteem).
  2. With you, the bad things that happened to me before are happening to me again.
  3. With you, I am not getting those things that I wanted that I did not get before. 

 

Stage 3 is filled with increasing demands for the other to change.  This is the Power Struggle.  We argue, complain, and criticize. We use threats and guilt trips to control each other. Or, if we are conflict avoiders, we withdraw into indifference.  Storming and stonewalling kill love.  Our emotional and physical intimacies disappear for increasingly longer periods of time.  We feel unfulfilled and cheated.  Ultimatums ensue.  This is the “make it or break it” time in the relationship.   One half of modern marriages do not survive this stage!!

 

Stage 4 is reached by some relationships.  To successfully resolve the Power Struggle you need to have effective couple communication and problem-solving skills.  Many have grown up in families where these skills were not modeled.  Some unskilled couples stuck in the Power Struggle may stay together to live a life of quiet desperation with little relationship fulfillment.  Reaching Stage 4 usually requires both partners to do much soul searching.  With greater emotional literacy, better self-understanding and equipped with effective intimate relationship skills, we may find the place of loving acceptance of each other, warts and all.   

 

Stage 5 is filled with the warm glow of seeing the power of our love do good works.  Examples are making a happy home, raising successful children, developing an abundance of love and resources to make a difference in the world.  Together we have developed much extra love to give and a family legacy to pass on to next generations. 

 

Where to find help! Could your relationship be heading into the Power Struggle? Has it gotten stuck there? Or are you thinking about ending your relationship?  At 3-C Family Services, The Emotionally Literate Couple program is designed to teach couple-based skills that can help.  It is tragic that a lack of easily learnable skills could dismantle your family and destroy something as beautiful as your love for one another. 

 

Contact Melissa B. Scibor, Marketing & Group Coordinator - 919-677-0101 ext. 520 for more information or to enroll in this group.  

 

 

Posted on December 07, 2009